What Am I To You?
by Kookykrumbs
Summary: Takes place a month after the episode 'Emily'. Scully hurt Mulder's feelings and she sees Mulder with another woman and fears the worst. Now FINISHED!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: All X-Files characters are the property of Chris Carter, I'm not making any money off this so please don't sue for I have but $0.09 in my bank account.

Author's Notes: This takes place about a month after the events in "Emily".  Mulder is a little bit hurt after Scully excluded him for the most part during that story arc.

**What Am I To You?**

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Mulder's POV 

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                It has been a month.  A month since Emily had died.  A girl that for all intents and purposes should mean nothing to me.  A girl who I spent the total of 3 minutes with.  But she's not just any girl.  She was Scully's daughter.  "Scully's daughter."  The words sound foreign to me.  Perhaps I had always hoped that if ever Scully had a daughter, her daughter would be mine as well.  Hence, "Our daughter."  In many ways, for that brief time she was alive, I did consider her mine as well.  

                I fought desperately against time trying to find some help for Emily.  All the while with a fear in the pit of my stomach that I haven't felt since Scully was abducted 3 years ago.  As an FBI agent, you come across horrible things that happen to people, and you perform your job to the best of your abilities, but you never lose your calm professionalism.  With Emily, I did perform to the best of my abilities, but "calm professionalism" was out the window.  I was frantic and desperate with a haunting thought that if we lose this little girl, I would lose a part of myself that I never knew existed.

                Sure enough, here I am, all alone in my apartment aching from that empty space that I never knew existed.  It's not that I miss Emily.  How do you miss someone you never even knew?  But I am in pain, because of her.  I grieve for her.  I grieve for what could have been.  

                Scully was going to adopt her, atleast she was trying to.  I'm pretty sure she would have eventually.  We have friends in high places; a bit of red tape wouldn't have made a difference.  Of course, had this scenario played out, who better to become Emily's father figure than me?  I know I would have loved her as my own.  In my mind, I supposed it fit.  Scully, me and our daughter.  Of course Scully and I technically aren't a couple.  But I always felt that there was this unspoken consent that I was hers, and she was mine.  After what happened last month, I'm beginning to believe that it was only my imagination.

Scully's POV 

I'm worried about Mulder.  He has been acting somewhat distant this past month.  Not in an obvious way.  Most people would probably not even notice it, but I'm not "most people."  He has been so wonderful to me this past month, comforting me, helping me get through Emily's death.  But at the same time, he's been so… … distant.  I wonder if that even makes sense.  

                He's been more professional lately, towards me.  He still makes his jokes, but in moderation.  And when he does make jokes, they almost seem forced.  He still brings me back food when he buys them, but he doesn't eat with me anymore.  We haven't had our usual lunch together in over a month.  Whenever I ask him if he's ready for lunch, he always tells me, "maybe tomorrow, Scully, I have some errands to run." I ask, "what kind of errands?" and all he tells me is "stuff."  

                At first I thought it was nothing, and he probably just thought that I needed some space to grieve for Emily, but now a month later, I think it goes way beyond that.  Last week, we got a new case, and for a brief time, there was enthusiasm in Mulder yet again.  I thought things were looking up for us, and that things would start to return to the way they used to be.  However, as usual things just never go right for us.  The people upstairs apparently had something against the case, and they made Skinner pull the plug on the file.  I saw the clear disappointment on Mulder's face when Skinner told us the file was closed.  Afterwards, Mulder didn't say anything, and just started rearranging some files.  

                Later that evening, I dropped by his apartment to keep him company.  This wasn't the first file that was pulled out from under us.  All the times before, Mulder would come to me and talk about his disappointment over losing a file and how the men upstairs are trying to keep us from finding the truth, etc. etc.  In a way, whenever we were shut down for something, it never registered to me as a total loss because I knew I'd have an excuse to spend a bit of extra time with Mulder out of work.  Often times, when we talked under these circumstances, we would talk about the case for the first 10 or 15 min. then our conversation would wander into more personal topics.  But Mulder wasn't at his apartment that night.  It confused me somewhat because if he knew me at all, he should have been waiting for me to knock on his door.

                But that's not what confirmed to me that something was wrong.  It was what happened the following morning.  The following morning on my way to work I stopped by the post office to drop off a letter and bumped into, none other than, Byers, Langly and Frohike.  Dear friends better known as the Gunmen… The Lone Gunmen.  "Oh hi guys!" I had said, "surprised you even use the post office anymore considering you have all that high-tech stuff collecting dust up at your headquarters."

"Hey Scully!" Frohike greeted me first, "what brings you here this early in the morning?"

"Oh nothing, just dropping off some mail before I head out for breakfast."

"Yeah, a lot of time to kill after losing that case huh?" Byers chimed in.  That surprised me. 

"Umm… you heard about that?" I asked, nonchalantly.

"Believe me, that's _all _we heard about last night.  Mulder wouldn't stop going on and on about it.  Poor guy, it was obvious there was more on his mind, but he just kept babbling on about the case."  Langly answered.  "It was so obvious something was wrong, he never talks to us about work stuff unless there's something we can do to help." 

So I was right.  I wasn't imagining things.  Even the Gunmen noticed something's bothering Mulder.  "Didn't you ask him what was wrong?" I asked.

"Well, when I finally decided to just come right out and ask, Mulder got up and headed out." Frohike said, obviously worried too about what was going on with Mulder.  "I actually thought you'd know.  Guess not."

Yeah, guess not.  "Ok, well I have to go now, take it easy guys."  Then I headed out and we said our quick good-byes.  I couldn't believe it!  Mulder went to the Gunmen's last night?!  They listened to him babble all night?!  That was my job!  Anyway, that was pretty much the last straw, I'm going to Mulder's tonight, and he's going to give me an answer.

End of Ch. 1 

So guys, how do you like it so far?  Well, as always I love getting feedback of any kind.  Maybe you guys could put in a suggestion as to what you want to see happen.  Thanks for reading J


	2. What's come over me?

Chapter 2 

Mulder's POV 

                I woke up this morning feeling pretty lousy.  I was coming down with a sore throat and I jumped at it as an excuse not to show up for work.  Besides, what would I do there anyway?  Re-organize our files, for what could probably be the fiftieth time this week?  No thanks.  Besides, why would I put myself through more torture working so close to Scully?  

I know I shouldn't be so hurt.  After all, by definition she's my co-worker and friend, but nothing more.  It's only natural for her to exclude me from certain aspects of her life.  Though I wish she wouldn't.  

Anyway, I've drowned myself in self-pity long enough.  This past month I've realized that all the love I have in the world for Scully won't change the fact that I am not to her, what she is to me.  She's the greatest person I know, and if being her friend is all that I can get, then I'll take the job with honor, I'll be the best one yet.

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the telephone ringing.  "Hello?" I answered.

"Agent Mulder, this is Karen Connelly from the VCS department.  I hope you don't mind me using your home phone number."  Yes, I know agent Connelly, she's asked for my help on several occasions, usually on behavioral profiling.  I must say, she's rather attractive.  About 5'9", blonde hair, full lips with shocking blue eyes.  I've had to refrain myself in the past from asking her if she ever modeled.  

"Agent Connelly.  I don't mind you using my home phone number at all.  How may I help you?"

"Well, I'm sure you've heard of the Michigan Ave. serial killer?"

"Of course.  Who hasn't, it's been all over the news."

"Well, I was handed the job of leading the team working on that case.  And as you mentioned yourself, it is very high profile.  You can imagine the pressure I'm under.  I have a meeting with my A.D. first thing tomorrow morning, and I have nothing!  Do you think you could…"

"Sure no problem, I'd be happy to help you out.  Things in my department have been slow anyway… to say the least.  I have nothing better to do.  Come on over and bring your files, I'll look over them." 

"Thanks so much Agent Mulder!  I'll bring dinner, I'll be there at around 8.  Bye."  Whoa, dinner?!  Hmm…  oh well, probably just her way of saying thanks.  Nothing to think about.  Besides, in the midst of all my moping, I'd forgotten to eat.  Haven't had anything since last night.  I hope she's bringing pizza.  

Scully's POV 

Mulder didn't show up for work today.  I called to check what was wrong, and he said he had a sore throat.  Again, with what's become a common trend this month, very un-Mulder-like.  That guy would come to work even if he was coughing up a lung.  Anyway, like I vowed this morning, he's going to tell me what's wrong, even if I have to force it out of him.  Well, it's almost 9pm, he's probably watching some re-runs of the Outer Limits.  

I knock on his door.  A blonde opens the door and I was so caught off guard that I had to look at the door again to make sure it said 42.  Wait, I remember her, she works at the bureau too.  I've seen her flirt with Mulder on more than one occasion, and I must say it bothered me that he seemed to respond to her flirting.

"Agent Scully!  Hi there.  Agent Connelly."  Right.  That was her name, Connelly.  God, she's so perky.  Six words from her and I'm already annoyed as hell.  I was about to ask for Mulder that was until I see him walk up behind her.  Without his shirt on!  My god!  Oh my god!  Why was he without his shirt?!  Why was his shirt not on?!  Why was his bare chest free for this blonde bimbo to stare at?!  Before I could say anything…

"Scully?  What brings you here tonight?"  Mulder asks.  

"Umm… I thought you were sick… umm… and I figured you usually can't even make yourself anything to eat… so you know, I… well, I thought maybe you could use some company."  I stuttered, totally embarrassed, and totally hurt.  "But I see you're doing just fine."  I say, not able to hide my disgust.  Then I quickly turn and walk away, bypassing the elevator and heading for the stairs.  I just wanted to get away as quickly as possible.  

"Scully!  Wait!"  Mulder calls out after me, but I just walked even faster.  He catches up to me at my car.  "Is something wrong?  Did you want to talk tonight or something?  You know I'm always here for you."  He says so tenderly that I felt like dissolving into tears right there.  

"I'm fine."  And those were the only words I could manage to say as I got into my car and raced out of the parking lot.  One more second and I wouldn't have been able to hold my tears in any longer.  I watch Mulder's reflection become smaller and smaller on my rearview mirror, as I left him standing in the middle of the parking lot all alone.  Probably not knowing what came over me.  Come to think of it… _I don't know what came over me._

To be continued … 

So guys, how do you like it so far?  Do you guys like where the story's heading?  Anyway, like most writers, I'd love feedback and suggestions!  Thanks for reading.


	3. What's the matter with him!

Chapter 3 

**Agent Connelly's POV**

**                Damn that Agent Scully!  Way to ruin the moment, ice-queen.  Hmm… not that there was much of a moment anyway.  Really, I thought Agent Mulder must have been gay!  He was totally unresponsive to all my advances, hell I've had married men amuse me more.  What was the matter with him?  I'm gorgeous!  Anyway, I had the evening all planned out.  We'd eat dinner first, break the ice so to speak.  Then when that was over with, I'd take out the case, and sort of let him take over.  Then, I'd barrage him with compliments on how he's such a genius when it comes to violent crimes and profiling etc. etc.  Men love that!  All the while, I'd be throwing very not so subtle innuendoes towards him.  By that point, I expected him to be all over me!  But to my surprise, he acted as if nothing was going on.  I was baffled!  Ok, I guess "baffled" is not really the appropriate term.  I suppose it's just the prom queen in me that's surfacing.  (How can a straight man resist me?!)  Though I suppose I've always had this sense that he was different.  Just what made him different … well … I found out tonight.  **

Anyway, when all my advances were ignored, it was only natural that I lost my patience.  So, as Mulder was putting his coffee cup to his lips to drink out of it, I "accidentally" bumped into him and spilled the coffee all over his shirt.  His reaction was exactly the way I wanted it to be, he quickly took his shirt off, leaving nothing but his pants on.  As I was about to make my move on the now half-undressed Agent Mulder, a knock came on the door.  And that's how Agent Scully ruined the moment, or rather a moment in the making.  

Well, imagine my surprise when I saw her at the door.  Does she usually visit her partner at 9 in the evening?  I was hoping she only came to drop of some office-related work, but seeing her with nothing in her hands dashed that hope.  Mulder soon came up from behind me, obviously curious to see who was at the door.  And when he looked at her, that split second that his eyes greeted hers, I got the answer to that rhetorical question I've asked all night.  What was the matter with him?  Well, the answer turned out to be simple.  Very simple.  It was Scully.  

It all made sense.  I mean to backtrack even before tonight, whenever I'd flirt with him at the bureau, he'd be nice enough, but the moment Scully called on him, he'd go to her.  Probably oblivious to the fact that he had just left me hanging, feeling like an idiot in the middle of my come-ons.  And I can't believe I didn't notice it before, but his hand was always on the small of her back.  He does it in a way that shows he doesn't do it to anyone else.  And there was this one time when Agent Kerras was hitting on Agent Scully … boy, the glare he got from Agent Mulder!  I can't believe I didn't put two and two together then!  Now here I am, alone in his apartment.  He ran off right after her without even telling me anything along the lines of  "I'll be right back."  

Well, clearly they're not involved with one another, otherwise she would have asked (at least out loud) why he had me in his apartment without his shirt on at 9 in the evening.  But seeing her reaction this evening, it's clear that she's territorial when it comes to him.  Hmm…  Coming to all these revelations I suppose the honest thing to do would be to back off.  But it's become somewhat of a game to me now.  It's rare that I don't get what I want, at least not off the bat.  Fox Mulder is obviously a challenge, and I love challenges.  It's obvious.  She's in love with him.  He's in love with her.  Only they don't realize it yet.  But no one could be that blind, they're bound to realize it sooner or later, and when they do, my chance with Mulder would be out the window.  I can't very well let that happen.  I'm not going to lose him to a short, thirty something prude better known to our colleagues as "the ice queen".   I'll win him.  I don't care what I have to do…

To be continued…

Thanks for reading.  I'd just like to thank everyone who's left a feedback for me.  I read each and every one of them and seriously consider all the suggestions.  I had no idea so many people would be so curious as to why his shirt wasn't on in ch. 2.  Well, I hope I didn't let anyone down with the answer to why.  Anyway, thanks very much for the interest you've all shown in my story.  Feedback is always craved for!  


	4. Why didn't I see it before?

Chapter 4 Scully's POV 

                Last night was a mistake.  I shouldn't have gone to his apartment unexpectedly like that.  At least now I know what's been keeping him busy.  HER.  Why am I so upset?  It's not like he's my anything… Well, he is my partner, more than that he's my best friend, but since I almost died from my cancer some months ago, I thought we were moving towards something more.  He was so tender to me all throughout my illness and so overprotective of me after my remission.  Maybe I had imagined it, but I could have sworn he and I stole glances at each other more often, and he'd touch me more, and… and… Oh why am I doing this to myself?!  He's stopped all that after we returned from my mom's.

                Now here I am sitting at our office dreading the moment when he comes in.  Of course he's going to ask me what last night was all about.  And what am I supposed to say?  

                There's a knock at the door and I look up.  Seeing as it's Agent Connelly, I smile through my dismay.  "Agent, how may I help you?"

                "You _can't.  Is Fox in?"  She answers me, not hiding the irritation in her voice.  Clearly she's fond of me about as much as I am of her._

                "He's not in yet, if you'd like I could…"

                "Don't bother.  I'll just discuss it with him over lunch."  And with that, she turns and waltzes out of the office.  She's so smug if I didn't know any better I could swear she was trying to rub salt on my open wound.  

                Should all of this even be a surprise to me?  I mean I am not blind.  I can tell she's a total "babe", as most men would refer to her.  As a doctor, the words "anatomically correct" come to mind.  She's tall, slender, with full lips, beautiful blue eyes and sunshine blonde hair.  Every man's dream.  And I've seen Mulder's magazines, she's his dream too.

                "Penny for your thoughts." Huh?  I look up and realize Mulder's hovering over me, a look of concern on his face.  I was so deep in my thoughts I didn't hear him come in.  "Are you alright?  You had me worried last night after you left my place.  I kept calling, but it just went straight to your voice mail.  I would have gone to your place but I figured you wanted to be alone with you not answering your phone and all.  Is it about Emily?" I see him wince slightly at the mention of her.  Mulder's obviously not comfortable about reminding me of her.

                "No, Mulder.  I guess I was just a little irritated that you skipped work when you weren't really sick."  Ok, so it's not nearly the whole truth, but at least it wasn't a complete lie.

                "But I _was sick.  I had a sore throat.  I mean, there was nothing important to do at work yesterday anyway, so I figured it wouldn't really matter if I took the day off.  I would never just slack off and leave you all the work, and if you were buried in work yesterday, I'll more than make up for it.  The only reason I was working with Agent Connelly last night was because her case was important and she had to report to her superiors today."  Great, now I feel like the bad guy!  _

                "I am sorry Mulder…  I'm… not sure what else to say."  I reply sheepishly.  "Oh by the way, Agent Connelly was just in, she was looking for you, she said she'd just talk to you at lunch."

                "Thanks Scully.  By the way, she and I were going to a Japanese restaurant, I know that's your favorite, anything in particular you want me to bring you back?"  Really Mulder, could you break my heart any more?

                "No thanks."  I say not even looking up at him.  And with that, I hear him close the door behind him.  I sit for a few minutes, not quite sure what to do.  Then I decide to call it a day.  I can't really work.  I decide I'm going to call mom.  I just need to talk to someone and Mulder's clearly off the list.

1 Hour later 

                "Sweetheart, has Mulder actually said anything that would make him and this Connelly woman 'official'?"  My dear mother tries to comfort me.  Always the logical one.

                "Well… no, but mom you didn't _see_ them, I did!"  I argue, trying my best not to sound like a 14-year-old.

                "Dana, Fox is allowed to see other women.  What stake do you have on him?"  As much as it hurts me to hear my mom say this, I know it's true.

                "I don't know… I just… well… he's mine."  Oh my god, I'm whining.  When was the last time I did that?  So much for not sounding like a teenager.

                "No sweetheart, he's not."  My mother tells me gently yet firmly.  "Mulder is no one's anything… but I have a feeling that if you don't step in, if you don't tell him how you feel, Ms. Connelly will be able to call him her own."  I'm silent, not knowing how to respond to that…

                "I don't think I can tell him anything mom.  I don't think he loves me.  He's more interested in women like Agent Connelly.  The ones with the runway model look."

                "Honey, are you feeling… inadequate?"  My mother asks me, somewhat tentatively.

                "Inadequate?!  Mom, I am a bright, independent and attractive woman.  I graduated high school valedictorian, earned a full academic scholarship to University where I earned an undergraduate degree in Physics ahead of all the students I started out with in my first year, I was accepted into med school right after that, where I remained in the top 3% of my class the whole time I was there, meanwhile the FBI was already recruiting me before I even became a doctor, which I eventually did all before I was 26 YEARS OLD!!!  Yes, I feel inadequate!"  Oh my, did I just say that?

                "You feel inadequate to Agent Connelly?"  I bet my mother's enjoying this.  She loves it when she's right.  She usually is.  I think about her question, for quite some time.  Then I answer, almost in a whisper…

                "No, mom.  Really, I don't.  I know I have my insecurities, but I would never want to be like Agent Connelly.  I know her type.  Relying on their sex appeal rather than their skills to move up in the world.  She would probably try to sleep with Mulder, and then brag about it to everyone the next day.  What a conquest, she'll claim, she slept with the 'Spookiness' himself, or something like that."   Yeah, it's true that I don't feel inferior to Agent Connelly.  In fact, up until last night, I always pitied her, knowing full well that she probably slept her way up the ladder.  Knowing also that the rest of the bureau thinks that, and that all the male agents don't really have any respect for her.  I know most of the agents at the bureau refer to me as the Ice Queen, but I know they all know that I am where I am based on my talents and skills, even though they hate to acknowledge it, based on the fact that I am a woman.  No, it's not Agent Connelly I feel inadequate to.  It's Mulder I feel inadequate to.

                "So, if it's not Agent Connelly, then that leaves, Fox…  Why, Dana?"  My mom sounds a little surprised.  Guess she didn't see that coming.

                "Oh mom, I know whenever I bring Mulder up it's because of something bad that he did.  I know it's usually to complain about him about how he has the most off the wall theories, or how he's ditched me again for the hundredth time, or how he infuriates me with his little annoying habits like leaving the office littered with sunflower seed shells…  But he's so much more…  He's the most incredible man I have ever known.  He's witty, and funny, and charming.  I've never seen a man more passionate than him.  He has integrity.  He respects me, and I know that should be a given, but you'd be surprised the number of people at the office who like to disregard me simply because I am a woman.  But mom, more than that Mulder sticks up for me to these people, even when he doesn't agree with my ideas, which is usually.  And though I get angry at him for defending me, inside I'm touched.  He can always make me laugh, even on the worst days.  I can always talk to him, and tell him everything and he never judges me, even when we don't talk I'm so comfortable just because he's around.  When I am with him, I am happier than I've ever been… and sadder sometimes."  My god, I can't imagine my life without him.

                "Sadder?"  

                "Yeah."  I answer wistfully.  "Knowing he doesn't see me the same way I see him."

                "Dana… are you telling me that in all these years you did not notice how much Fox loves you?  How much he's _in love with you?"  My mother asks incredulously._

                "Mom, I thought we were getting closer… more than friends.  But it's not like that anymore.  I mean he's still a good friend, but he's withheld any kind of affection for me lately… oh I don't know!"  I say, exasperated. 

                "Well, can you blame him?  You've done nothing but push him away since Emily died!  He wanted nothing but to hold you in his arms at the hospital and at the funeral and afterwards.  He said so to me himself.  But all you ever did was tell him 'I want to be alone.' Is that what you say to the man you love?  The man who I saw love Emily like his own because she was your daughter?  You weren't the only one in grief, Dana."  I'm stunned.  I don't know what to say.  I never thought of that.  I was so consumed in my grief that I pushed everyone away.  "Dana… Dana are you still there?"

                "Yeah mom, I'm sorry, I'm here."

                "Anyway, like I said, what reason have you given Fox to think that _you love him?  Sweetie, the ball's in your court.  You two are meant for each other.  I see it, Missy saw it, and everyone else who's seen you two together sees it.  You should see it too.  Have confidence Dana."_

                "… Thanks mom.  I guess I needed that."  I hang up on my mom and just wrap myself in my blanket, processing everything she just told me.     

**                To be continued…**

Thanks for reading everyone.  Yeah, so I revised the last half of this chapter, I wasn't too happy with it.  I thought Scully needed a longer conversation with her mother, something a little more to make her realize her situation.  


	5. It doesn't make a difference

Chapter 5 

**Connelly's POV**

"Fox, you are absolutely endearing!"  I say between fits of laughter.  "Don't worry, I saw the whole thing, you didn't look like a dork!  The other agents were just jealous."

"Aww, stop it, Karen… umm… actually… don't!"  And with that, we break out into another fit of laughter.  Yup, he's learned to call me by my first name now.  Things seem to be looking up for me.  Amazingly as well, he only mentioned Scully a total of 3 times this afternoon.  Ahhh, progress, progress.  

We've spent lunch for the most part, just talking about mindless things.  I also learned that Fox does in fact know about the rumors around the water coolers regarding him, but has just chosen to ignore them, saying, "can't do much about it, why worry?"  He's not at all a "spook" like his reputation says.  He seems very laid back, with an excellent and very funny, albeit dry, sense of humor.  

I look down to my watch and can't believe nearly 2 hours has passed by.  I have had such a fun time.  I don't remember the last time a man genuinely made me laugh.  But I remind myself that this lunch had a purpose (at least as far as I am concerned).  Objective… to win him.

"So Fox, going back to our earlier topic… about all the rumors surrounding you…"

"Yeah?"

"Is there any truth to the one about you _and_ Agent Scully?"  I ask, looking him straight in the eyes.  He looks surprised for a quick second, but then quickly regains his cool demeanor.

"That's kind of vague.  Care to elaborate, just which rumor you're referring to?"  Hmm… I think I underestimated him.  He's holding my gaze.

"Well, I'm referring to the rumor that's been in circulation since you've been paired up with Agent Scully…" I was hoping he'd fill in right about now, but he just looks at me.  Boy, he wants me to come out and say it.  Fine, if that's what he wants, "Are you, or have you ever been… more than friends with her?"  I didn't realize I held my breath as I was waiting for his response.

"Karen, I could answer that question in so many ways."  He answers, and instead of laughing like I expected from him, he said it very wistfully.  His eyes were off mine now, they were looking towards his food in front of him, but I know he was looking beyond that.  Sadness is written all over his features.  He doesn't say much more for what seemed like minutes.

"So will you?  Answer the question I mean… You can answer in as many ways as you want."  I say the last part with a hint of playfulness, hoping it lightens the mood a bit.  He gives me a half-hearted smile.

"Well, the answer to your question is, yes… and no."  He pauses for a second, looking like he's trying to pick the right words to explain.  Clearly this was a sensitive issue.  " 'Yes', in that our relationship is so special that "friendship" seems very inadequate a word to describe it.  We're so much more than friends in that we have been through so much together.  We would die for each other without even thinking.  There's nothing I wouldn't do for her.  Nothing.  I can't say I would do that for anyone else.  We can speak volumes to each other without uttering a single word.  We finish each other's sentences.  It's really hard to describe…" He seems to be at a loss for words once more, so I interrupt…

"And, 'no'…"

"And, 'no' in the most traditional sense of the meaning.  We're not now, nor have we ever been lovers.  Technically, we're free to date whoever we want.  'No' in that she's… well… she's not in love with me."  My god, he's not even trying to be subtle.  He's implying, very clearly that _he's_ in love with her!    

"And are you?  Are you in love with her?"  I ask, my voice faltering, knowing full well what the answer is.

"Does it matter?  If there's anything I've learned with the life I've led, is that pondering concepts that don't make a difference is simply pointless."  And so I leave it at that.  And I don't just mean the conversation.  I mean this whole plan of "winning him".  I leave it at that.  Fox's right, what is the point of pondering concepts that don't make a difference.  He will never fall for me.  Or any woman for that matter as long as Scully's alive, hell, probably even if she died.  

I've realized that this was wrong.  So I take a deep breath, personally acknowledge that I lost to Scully on this one, and take consolation in the knowledge that she doesn't even know she was in a competition with me.  I lean forward and give Fox a very chaste kiss on his lips and whisper, "You're right… pondering concepts that don't make a difference is simply pointless."  And with that, I walk away.  For good.  

To be Continued…

By the way, a little off topic, but am I the only one who wishes that season 9 never happened?  I for one could have lived with the season 8 ending just fine.


	6. It's none of my business

Chapter 6 

Mulder's POV 

                Here I am, lying on my couch staring at the ceiling.  I've been doing this for probably a few hours now.  It's kind of relaxing.  Given there's not a whole lot else to do.  I got back from my lunch with Karen; it was rather uneventful, though she seemed somewhat sad when she left.  I wonder why.  Who knows, maybe I just wasted her afternoon yapping about myself.  

                Sitting here and thinking back to this afternoon, I can't believe that I said the things I did.  It's not like me to open up like that to anyone.  Boy, I must be lonelier than I thought.  I bet if she hadn't left I might've started talking about Emily and everything that happened last Christmas.  

                Why am I doing this to myself?  It's not like it's getting me anywhere.  Hell, I've been acting like my whole world's been over this past month, when in reality it's not even that bad!  Why should it be?  I mean the only thing that's really happened was that I was rejected.  Of course not in the traditional sense of the meaning, but basically that's what it comes down to.  Scully decided that she doesn't want me to be a part of her life, at least her personal one.  Ok.  It's not like I've never been rejected before.

                But who am I kidding?  Scully isn't just anyone.  She's the only one.  I guess my frustration stems from the fact that I was so hurt when she pushed me away during her most trying time.  Pushed me away as if to say, "you don't understand, it's none of your business".  It hurt when she pushed me away because I grieved too!  I grieved alone.  And I did understand!  And it was my business!  

                But it was her right.  It was her daughter.  When the doctor asked if we were the parents, I _had_ to step away, because I wasn't her parent.  Scully was.  Technically (if such a situation can even be deemed technical) this was Scully's pain.  And her right to handle it that way she wants to.  I know she's not obliged to include me in any way.  But I wish she would though.  

                So here I am, trying to re-invent myself.  I think back to everything that's happened in the past 5 years.  So much, yet nothing at the same time.  I mean, I've experienced so much, seen so much, yet what do I have to show for it?  I am nowhere closer to the truth than I was 5 years ago.  

                I guess… I guess my frustration, really stems from the fact that I feel like a failure.  The one person I trust the most, can't even trust me with her feelings at such a time in her life.  Wouldn't it be nice if she needed me, the way I needed her?

                My thoughts are interrupted with a knock on the door.  Feeling lethargic, I get up ever so slowly from my beloved couch which will one day no doubt end up being my death-couch.  I get closer to the door and ask "who is it?"  I was rather surprised to hear…

                "Mulder, it's me."

To be continued….

Thanks very much to everyone who's taken the time to give me some feedback.  They're very much appreciated!  I know this chapter was short, but I was just basically setting up for the last chapter in which Mulder and Scully finally have their confrontation.  Not quite sure whose point of view I will make it in.  Any suggestions?  By the way, I hope everyone takes the time to read the last half of Chapter 4 which I revised.

As for my ending comments regarding Season 9 of the show from the last chapter, I guess I was just trying to voice my disappointment over 2 episodes in particular.  I know this isn't the place to complain, but hey, I want some sympathy! LOL I'm referring to the episodes William and Jump The Shark.  

First of all, they spent like 2 seasons on that baby-story-arc, and then to have it end that way?!  I mean, did Scully really believe that William would be safer with Ma and Pa Kent?!  I mean she sent him to live in some hick town to grow up to be what, Superman?!  The upcoming movies better get that kid back, damnit, I want my happy ending!  As for Jump The Shark, I don't think the producers really thought that out.  What was the point of killing the Gunmen when they've already decided to make a host of X-Files movies?  I love those guys (the gunmen, not the producers)!  Finally, the ending of the series was just such a letdown.  They left Mulder and Scully as broke, unemployed  fugitives on the run, cuddling in some 2 star motel in the middle of New Mexico, believing love's gonna save the world.  **Everyone repeat after me, "WE DESERVED BETTER THAN THAT!"  **just wanted to get that off my chest!   


	7. The course of true love

Chapter 7 

Mulder slowly walked over to get the door.  He was very surprised that it was Scully; it was very unusual for her to visit him at this time of the day.   Usually, she never left the office any earlier than 5pm, and it was only 3.  He on the other hand only bothered to return to the office to drop off the Japanese food he bought for Scully.  He took it upon himself to buy her something even though she said she didn't want anything, because he knew she was bound to get hungry.  She wasn't there when he stopped by, but he assumed she was just somewhere else in the building so he left the food on the desk.  He then went straight home, unaware that Scully had done the same thing hours before.

Mulder opened the door to his apartment and greeted a very tentative looking Scully who wouldn't meet his eyes.  She had been nervous during her whole way over to his apartment.  Not knowing exactly what to say, but sure that she had to say _something_.  

"Hi Mulder… did I catch you at a bad time?"  Scully asked, trying to sound normal, but her wavering voice failed her miserably.

"No, not at all."  Mulder replied quickly, seeing as how she was arguing within herself whether or not to tell him about something.  He didn't want her to change her mind and bolt for the elevator.  "Come on in."  He quickly led her to the living room.  "Can I get you anything?  Some water, juice?"

"No thanks."  She answered with a wry smile.  There was a bit of silence for a few seconds afterwards, both unsure of what to say.

"So, I hope you didn't mind the beef teriyaki I got for you, I know you usually go for the chicken, but just my luck, they had none left."  Mulder tried to ease the uncomfortable silence in the room.

"You brought me lunch?"  Scully was surprised … and touched.

"Yeah, I mean I know that when I asked you didn't want me to get you anything, but then I knew it was just probably because you weren't hungry at the time, and didn't really consider when you would be."  

"Thanks Mulder… that was… sweet."  She said the last word in a whisper.  Mulder smiled despite his mood of 5 minutes ago.  He loved it whenever he was able to do something nice that would brighten her day up, even if only a little.  "But I left the office early…"

"Don't worry about it."  Mulder chuckled.  "Umm… so… why _did_ you leave the office early today?  That doesn't sound like you.  Is everything ok?"  Now it was Mulder who was nervous.  It was so unlike her to go home early, then show up at his place like this, nervous and unsure, clearly needing to tell him something.  The first thing that came to his mind was her cancer.  

"Look… Mulder… I…"  

"Scully, are you well?  I mean physically… health-wise, are you well?"  Mulder's voice rose in volume, his eyes would not let go of hers.

"Yes.  This has nothing to do with my cancer if that's what you're thinking.  It's still in remission."  She said that last part as if she was trying to explain something to a 3 year old.

Mulder let go of a deep breath that he hadn't noticed he was holding.  Obviously relieved.  "Good.  Thank god, I dreaded the worst for a second."

"You usually do."

"Yeah, you're right."  He answered with a smile.  She knew him well.  "Well, Scully I hope you don't interpret this the wrong way… because I always enjoy your company… but why _are_ you here?"

Scully wasn't yet ready to answer that question.  So she evaded it.  "I was in the neighborhood…   So, how was your lunch with Agent Connelly?"

Mulder knew she was stalling, but he wanted her to be comfortable with whatever she wanted to say.  So he decided to play along.  "It went fine.  She just wanted to thank me for my help on her case."

"You two seem to have gotten really close lately…" Scully tried to get him to hint to her what kind of relationship they had.

"Yeah, well she's really great to talk to.  She always listens to me whenever I need a sympathetic ear."  Scully tried her best to hide her hurt at his words.  That was _her_ job.  She was _his_ sympathetic ear.  She felt so replaced at that moment.  Mulder quickly saw this and added, "I mean… when you're not around."  Which you haven't really been since Christmas, he thought to himself.  He of course quickly scolded himself mentally for thinking such a thing, knowing everything she's been through, and how she's always been there for him in the past whenever he needed her.

"So… umm… are you two… you know…?"  

"What…?  Are we…?"  Mulder urged her to finish her question.

"You know… together?"  Scully asked, immediately regretting she did because she was so afraid of the answer.

"Together?  No, she's just a colleague that I'm friendly with.  Why, did it seem we were together?"

Scully thought hard about this.  She thought about all the times she's caught them flirting (or more like, she caught _her_ flirting with him, now that she thought of it), the shirt incident, their lunch…date, for lack of a better word.  "Well, yeah it did seem that way, especially when I came over here last night and you were with her without your shirt on…" Scully was slightly embarrassed to mention that last part.

"Oh that, well she just spilled my coffee on my shirt right when you knocked, I didn't get an opportunity to change."

"Oh…" Was all Scully could say for the first few moments.  "I'm a little surprised.  She _is_ your type after all."  Scully tried to make it sound like a joke, if only to lighten the mood in the room.

"How do you know what my type is?  What makes you think I even have a type?"

"Believe me, you have a type.  Tall, leggy…  you know, a model's physique."

"Hmmm… well, I suppose they _were_ my type.  But not anymore.  They haven't been in a while.  Besides, "types" are superficial, at least when you base them on looks.  I had hoped you thought a little more of me than that."  Mulder sounded somewhat hurt, which he slightly was.  Though he was intrigued that Scully took an interest in his "type".

"Mulder, I'm sorry…I…"

"And anyway, I'm not looking to fall in love with anyone else right now."  Mulder said, cutting her off.

"Anyone _else_…?  Mulder… Are you in love with someone right now?"  Scully could feel her heart pound against her chest.  Was she too late?  God, she hoped not.  She had been so occupied with herself these past few weeks that it was possible Mulder started seeing someone and she didn't even notice.  She began thinking perhaps it was the reason he's been distant this whole time.  Maybe her mother was wrong, maybe Mulder wasn't in love with her anymore, or maybe he never was.

"Yes."  Mulder answered, snapping her out of her racing thoughts.

"Huh?"  

"Yes, I _am in love_ with someone."  Mulder held her gaze, hoping on some level she would understand that he wanted to say, 'yes, I am in love with you.'

Scully did in fact understand, through the look in his eyes, the words he was silently trying to convey to her.  This in turn, gave her the courage to ask, ever so calmly, and with a hint of confidence, "Who?"

"Before I answer that, I need you to tell me, and I need you to tell me honestly… no evading my question… why, are you here?"  

"I just… was going to say, I didn't want to lose you…  that I'm afraid of losing you…  You've been so distant lately."  Ok, so it wasn't the whole truth, Scully admitted to herself, but it was a start.

This confession however seemed incredulous to Mulder.  "_I have been distant?!_  I am not the one insisting on being alone all the time!  I am not the one who keeps saying 'I'm fine' when I'm really not, I am not the one wanting to deal with everything on my own!  Heaven forbid if your best friend wanted to reach out and help!"  Mulder hadn't intended to get mad, let alone yell, but it was like the dam was broken and there was no stopping the rush of emotions that he's built up.

"I was just so afraid…"

"Listen Scully, you didn't lose me, you are not losing me, you threw me away!"  He cursed himself the moment the words escaped from his lips, and he hated himself the moment he saw the tears build up in her eyes.  Feeling ashamed for his outburst, he offered an apology, "Scully, look I'm sorry about what I said, I was angry and I apologize."

"No, you're right.  Everything you said.  It was right, I have pushed you away, I have insisted on dealing with the pain of losing Emily all alone.  I'm not quite sure why, because I _do_ trust you, and I do know that you're always there for me."  Scully wasn't even looking at Mulder, she was just staring out the window.  "I am so sorry Mulder, I know how I'd feel if the situations were reversed."

"I wish you had leaned on me.  I grieved too, Scully…" Her tears were flowing freely now, but he was unable to see them for she was still facing the window with her back turned to him.  "When Emily died, I lost my chance to have a child as well."  This made Scully look at Mulder.  Her tear-stained face broke his heart.

"What are you saying…?"  Now it was Mulder who looked away.  "…Mulder, do you have feelings for me?"

"Does it matter?"  Mulder asked, in part to Scully and in part to no one in particular.

"Yes, because I want to know… I _need_ to know…" Mulder was still silent.  "…Because I have feelings for you too."

Mulder turned around, not quite believing what he just heard.  He looked her in the eyes, looking for confirmation that he heard what he thought he heard.  And she gave him confirmation.  He wasn't sure if it was through the tears in her eyes, the slight nod of her head, or the fact that she's taken a hold of his trembling hands.  "You sure have a way of letting a guy know."  Mulder joked.

This earned him a giggle from Scully.  After a few seconds of silence, of both of them digesting everything that's been said, Scully broke the silence, "Are you going to answer 'who' now?"  

"Sorry?"

"You said earlier that you were in love with someone, and I asked 'who' and you never answered."

"Do I really need to answer that?"  Mulder asked with a grin.

"Mulder, I need to hear it."

"Scully… Dana… I love you."  It was at the same time the hardest and easiest thing Mulder's ever said in his life.  

"You couldn't have said that to me earlier?"  She teased him.

"Yeah well, the course of true romance never did run smooth."  Mulder half mumbled.

"Love."  Scully stated matter-of-factly.  

"Huh?"

"Love.  The course of true _love_ never did run smooth… Shakespeare.  A Midsummer Night's Dream."  

"…I see."  And with that, Scully headed for the door, knowing she needed to go home, and let the events of the day sink in.  But before she reached the door, Mulder asked, "Scully… are you sure it's… _love_…?"

And Scully smiled, her first genuine one in a month, and answered, "Positive."

**The End!**

Thanks so much to _EVERYONE_ for your kind words.  It really helped me to write this story.  This was my first X-Files fan-fiction and I'm thrilled that it was received with such compliments.  This really was a labor of love for me.  The last part of the story about A Midsummer Night's Dream was inspired by a scene in an episode of Who's The Boss, so I just wanted to give credit where credit's deserved.  

I let a few friends read this ending before I posted it online, and some were disappointed that Mulder and Scully didn't both say 'I love you' and give each other a gravity-defying kiss as an ending.  I really, really wanted to do this, but I thought it was somewhat out of character, so I gave it a little more of a chaste ending.  But c'mon, we all know they ended up together!  Use your imagination! LOL

Sorry if anyone found this story to be too angst-filled.  That was sort of the theme I was going for.  But don't worry, my next X-Files fic will have a much lighter air to it.  THANKS AGAIN!


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